18/04/24

listening to: CMD094 - robotic
its been a while... a lot has happened i think though i dont care to go into terrible detail. i dropped out of my course for one. and my body hasnt been very kind to me either. but i promise its not all bad! i get to spend time with people i love! just things are very slow. i hope soon enough i can move out and live with my dearest boyfriend and my closest friend. maybe things will feel better then. everything is scary. and yet!

18/02/24

listening to: わたしのココ - モノクロの夢
i knew full time study was going to exhaust me but the degree it has in only one week is upsetting. im trying my best to try and get part time study organised as soon as i can but man. im at the point where im being very normal and imagining living inside my computer instead. a digital abstraction... would be nice

28/01/24

listening to: kiichi - cyberpunkrocker
in two weeks i start my game design course 0_o im... pretty nervous because i know im gonna be exhausted afterwards and also the state of the video game industry right now isnt giving me too much. hope for the future lol. idk! i want to make games i want to make Something... ive never actually finished any kind of schooling so im hoping i can. stick to this as best i can. i am still excited! but stuff is stressful! other than uni stuff... i still have a bunch of other stuff to look forward to!!! things will be okay! i promise myself

01/01/24

listening to: free.99 - devil girl
happy new year! a year ago i was very depressed. mostly in part of not being medicated but i think im doing much much better than i was a year ago. obviously not perfect but i have so much im looking forward to in the future :3 i didnt do everything i wanted to last year but its no use really stressing about that lol. good things are coming!!! i promise!!!!!

12/12/23

listening to: world's end girlfriend - rendering the soul
its already been a month since making a blog post here... maybe monthly is a better period of time inbetween posts but we will see. ive started using twitter again and it still... mostly sucks but it helps me feel less isolated from people irl. the past few times ive gone to see friends ive been more socially capable which is nice :3 despite that im again at the point of only leaving the house once a week. itll change soon enough so maybe i should just enjoy the time i can rest while i can. i ended up not getting the job at the record store because essentially im just too disabled for what they need. if i think about it too much ill just get more upset so just gotta think. im at least going to be studying next year! im still nervous of course. but one of my best friends should also be moving here to study and im looking forward to seeing her

17/11/23

listening to: monoqlom - to another place
past few weeks ive been thinking hmmm i could make a blog post but then...i didnt lol thats really all it was. anyway a few weeks ago i got my first laptop in like... 7 years and i like it sooooo much :3 and...! im fully enrolled to study next year!! closer and closer to actually pursuing game dev seriously which is scary and exciting... though of course theres still a number of creative """endeavours""" that i also want to do all at the same time LOL. if only i could choose one thing to focus on but it seems i am incapable of doing that...

27/10/23

listening to: heather vomiting god - seal of metatron
past few weeks have been a little strange... i have a hard time keeping track of all the stuff i have to do. some things are probably gonna take longer than id really like but oh well. hoping that i actually get this job though... other than that im currently working on a tiiiny little visual novel :3 i love weird little games so hopefully this ends up decent enough LOL.

03/10/23

listening to: akira yamaoka - your rain
i feel so lucky to have so many things to look forward to right now. comparing to how i could barely get myself out of the house most of the days earlier this year and just for the most part... not having the best time (not to say there wasnt anything good obv) but i feel so. excited for the future i think. im starting a trial for a job at a record store in two days! and having a job actually means i can move out sooner rather than later :3 and i still have plans for study next year which is exciting too. and!! going to start making stuff for a group exhibition thatll open in december which is exciting too :) and yeah its also very scary. im mostly scared of doing too much for me to manage without burning out but i also know there is help that i Can ask for makes it less scary. it really is looking like i have some sort of vague grasp on my life now after doing little for so long. exciting :3

17/09/23

listening to: utsu-p - friendshi_
feeling happy about how many hobbies ive been indulging in lately even when im scared im doing Too much to keep track of im having fun... built a basic noise box the other day and will eventually get to put a shitty little delay board in it too which im excited for :3 i loooove to make noises. speaking about... general noises ive been listening to utsu-p so much lately lol especially now that happypills is out (i preordered the cd so it should be on the way which is exciting). my favourite songs from the album are friendshi_ & iamai btw ^___^

31/08/23

listening to: utsu-p - 2000年3月9日
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIKU...! finished my miku birthday piece earlier and i think ive only missed making something for her birthday once in the past... 8?? years. crazy stuff lol.in other news im... slowly slowly becoming more social i think. very slowly in fact but its okay im getting there. thats how i feel about most of the stuff i do tbh. slowly slowly. unrelated to the rest of this blog post but also been getting health stuff (slowly LOL) sorted out is nice in the sense that i feel comforted by the fact that im not making up all the pain and stuff i experience. like obviously its there and causing me pain so its not fake but idk how to express it properly. in theory thisll be able to lead to more help to manage my pain yaaaay yaaaaaaaay :3 thats all i have to say for today byeee✌

17/08/23

listening to: girls rituals - black cloud (crisis sigil remix)
oopsies havent Blogged here in over a month... i just got over a cold which has somehow given me motivation on working on stuff in blender again...! working on textures right now and its pretty fun (for now at least) and its probably the only form of "drawing" my hands can take right now before cramping too much. ive also been making use of the fact that i can borrow synthesisers and other music related items from the library but stuff like ableton are so foreign to me the last time i used a daw was when i was 14 using fl studio to make utau covers and the such lol. we will see where all this goes (i know where i Want it to go but if it happens is another story).

12/07/23

listening to: necronomidol - skulls in the stars
got back home yesterday after spending 2 weeks together with my boyfriend :3 spending time with it makes me so so happy and i cant wait until we are closer. now that im back home there is so many things i have to do but i cant stop thinking about indulging in so so many different hobbies... but also some of the things i have to do is really exciting in the way that ill hopefully have more supports to be able to. live easier etc etc. slowly but surely things Are getting better in some kind of way.

23/06/23

listening to: babymetal - PA PA YA
hi ^___^ i think quite a bit has happened since i last updated...! in a few days im going to visit my boyfriend again but other than that ive been. thinking about doing a bunch of different things and doing ummm some of them! ive played a bunch of games this month which is fun (d2 and hypnospace outlaw the main two ive played) and been. re invigorated to work on stuff so ive been slowly 3d modelling. and i also downloaded ableton lol we'll see how far i get with that. too many things i wanna do and not enough time(?)... more like not enough energy orz
a few weeks ago i also got to see babymetal live which was sooo awesome :3 i love seeing live music <3

30/05/23

listening to: chu ishikawa - MG
been enjoying going to so many noise shows lately... i love when the sound just absolutely envelops me its so so nice. i was even able to talk to some people on friday while i was there which is a win for how socially inept i am usually LOL. someone there recomended me to listen to the yume nikki fan album 24 effects and i didnt know its entirely by vocaloPs... pretty cool stuff...! i also took some fun photos while im there but im still in the process of 1. making an actual page here to put all my photos & 2. getting a universal memory card reader for the camera i cant directly connect to my computer to transfer files. itll all come together soon i promise!!!

21/05/23

listening to: 﨑﨑﨑 - コドモインザランドオブアイオーン
been having kind of a weird day to be completely honest. my knees have started acting up again and im just wishing i had a better functioning body again... trying to be nicer to myself but its hard. i wish i could go back to when my hands didnt cramp as much as they do now, i wish i could go back to when walking wasnt as tiring as it is now. i have been working on a few things though and even if im slower at some things im proud of myself. yesterday i made some monoprints im really happy with and hopefully ill be able to scan them and put them somewhere here to share :3

03/05/23

listening to: doddodo - every day doner life
hi ive had a pretty eventful (for my standards) few weeks and its been pretty good ^___^ a week ago i got snake bites done and theyve been mildly annoying as... most piercings tend to be when theyre fresh but i like them a lot :3 before that i was able to spend more time with my bf which. makes me so happy Always... we were able to go to a noise show and it was really nice. i went to another noise show on friday to see uboa and shes so awesome. the more noise shows i go to the more i think Man i wanna be a nuisance and make noise LOL but we will see... i have been doing some 3d modelling again though and i really need to stop taking... long breaks between doing it because i do enjoy it even if i go pretty slowly most of the time. getting /very/ early plans/notes on a game i want to make too so hopefully thatll... Actually happen and not just have me talk about it instead of doing it. whenever i write these blog posts i think man theyre pretty disjointed lol but thats kinda just how i think i guess. anyway heres some photos of uboa from friday♡

  

11/04/23

listening to: utsu-p - ぬいぐるみになりたい
ive been feeling a lot better since i last posted here thankfully LOL played through re4 remake & garage bad dream adventure and really enjoyed the both of them. though i keep telling myself im gonna make mini casual reviews to post here and i have like... disjointed notes on my thoughts but i at least want them to make sense to more than just me. i have stuff i wrote about my thoughts on yume nikki from a few months ago too i just need to properly do it lol. i also added my digital art museum recently but its still not as populated as id like it to be yet. so many things i wanna work on and yet only fleeting amounts of motivation -___- im at least not overwhelmingly depressed right now anymore so hopefully itll all work out :3 but before all of that i have my boyfriend coming to visit me in less than 2 days.......!!! hopefully i wont need to wait 3 months everytime we see eachother eventually but i still cherish whatever time i can get <3

13/03/23

listening to: xiu xiu - maybae baeby
ummmm happy birthday to me i suppose :3 tbh i havent been doing the best lately but im feeling..... okay today. theres a part of me still sad i dont have anyone to hang out with in person with today (even if i didnt have a massive headache all day) but. it happens sometimes. doesnt quite make it easier but one day ill feel better again! i still havent done anything substantial here but i have been collecting art that i really enjoy/inspires me to put in my own digital art museum and im enjoying it ^___^ then i have to actually put the page together LOL... i enjoy doing it all once i start but starting can take a while... i also want to possibly update my homepage to incorporate more substantial navigation so i dont have to rely on the sitemap. this is a bit long but oh well i need to say how excited i am for resident evil 4 remake because... how couldnt i :) i could probably talk forever about my thoughts both on original re4 & what we've seen of remake but ive been playing re4 wii edition to prepare and man i adore this game LOL okay thats it until next blog post. i like writing my thoughts even if they are somewhat disjointed just because thats how i think

20/02/23

listening to: わたしのココ - 君のように (Long Version)
i keep forgetting theres stuff i still want to add on here... i still havent made an updated page to put stuff that i make but i also think i want to make a virtual gallery to show some of my favourite art :) when i get to that (hopefully soon?) ill probably add an overall sitemap so it doesnt end up as a total maze... unless i want it to. in other news i have a lot of 'life admin' i have to sort out and its pretty exhausting... though i do believe im going to drop my sewing course because while i enjoy the content i guess it makes me sad having to make things i have no use for. among other reasons as well but i do want to try and sort out possibly studying full time. i really do want to study game design i think it is what im most passionate about its still just a liiiitle bit scary trying to sort stuff out. ill get things sorted out eventually. i think

21/01/23

listening to: じん - カゲロウデイズ
i came back home two days ago being able to spend a week with my boyfriend again heals everything... daydreaming about moving out feels a little silly but its about where im at rn LOL theres just a Lot of things id have to do before that could ever happen. i should also try and get out and do some stuff more because now that im back home im probably going to fall into a habit of not leaving unless Absolutely neccesary and its not quite ideal.

01/01/23

listening to: franz ferdinand - dark of the matinee
yesterdays entry was a little sad and although its rare for me to open up a whole lot without feeling guilt and maybe itd be better to be more vulnerable (if not here then elsewhere) id still rather have something less sad up for the new year i suppose. so instead.

next year i want to: write and read more, actually dedicate time to learning game development (either on my own or formally), get out of whatever funk im in right now (might mean starting new meds might mean something else), continue updating here & enjoy more.

that last ones a little vague but i think it applies to multiple things. in terms of creating theres things i want to do and would enjoy more but for whatever reason i dont and it also ties into feeling sad about not enjoying drawing like i used to despite how much time ive spent on it. it makes me feel better thinking about the ways it helps me in other ways id like to create that i enjoy more though. enjoying more also in relation to... socialising too maybe ill actually be able to have more than one irl friend eventually and not be as withdrawn (although it was better at the start of the year sometimes it just happens that way). being autistic can make it really hard but one day itll be okay. and ill hopefully be able to see my boyfriend more \:) being withdrawn has kinda bled into talking online too which makes me sad because i really love my friends but its also something thats been recent and have a semi good idea on how to feel better again. although indirectly or not i have not used twitter recently which i much prefer even if i barely talked there to begin with. which is also i guess why i like having here to talk too more than just using tumblr (where i dont talk either, its just me collecting things that i like) and peach which has been abandoned for longer than its been actively supported i think at this point and i wouldnt change that at all. peach is so isolated from any other social media that its the only one i can stand right now lol. anyway this is way way longer than what i usually write and way more personal too. not that i think people read them anyway since theyre mainly just for me but if you do ummmm lol sorry you read all this. happy new year :)

31/12/22

listening to: haniwa - 「VOCALOID」の脆弱性。
new years eve 0_o im not doing anything and although its a little lonely im used to it at this point. this year has been pretty good all things considered but unfortunately the last few months havent been the best... just been feeling weird but hoping i can get a hold of myself again soon. ive been kinda withdrawn for a few reasons but overall its probably not the best as much as i think i enjoy the quiet. well wishes for the new year to whoever reads this :)

09/12/22

listening to: bauhaus - bela lugosi's dead
finished my jill garage kit the other day and although... there are many little mistakes i think shes really cute :) i hope if you read this that you enjoy the picture of her too. in other news ive been doing... not the best lately but things are starting to feel better which is nice. constant back and forth of me putting off things i really want to do and that i enjoy but. im getting there slowly

16/11/22

listening to: oingo boingo - dead mans party
huh i havent made a blog post in a while. oopsies! been thinking about inumerable things but right now i want to redo the layout of this site. at least a little bit if not the whole thing. ive also been working on a jill valentine garage kit and ive started painting her after too much sanding and puttying that it made me feel a little insane... i might put a picture once shes done :)

28/09/22

listening to: franz ferdinand - this fire
tomorrow my boyfriend is coming to visit and im really excited :) i made matcha and white chocolate cookies for us to share while its here and we are going to watch a bunch of movies together yippee!!!!!! it makes me soooo happy. unrelated but i still need to make a button for this site im just constantly unsure of what i want it to be

16/09/22

listening to: meishi smile - belong
i really really enjoy looking at others webpages and just seeing how much care they have about the things they enjoy. i really hope im able to talk about the things i love at length and share them with others more at some point... i have almost too many hobbies that i love and want to share and i wish i could just sit around making things and sharing them forever. i have babies first garage kit coming in the mail and im super excited to paint and put it together. i might document it here even we will see. these entries are always kinda disjointed and honestly mostly for me anyway but if anyone ever reads them i hope you dont mind. id like to write more coherent thoughts about the things i like and enjoy, perhaps movies or games or other little things i hold close to me. (i keep saying ill do such and such one day and i wish it was easier for me to not... put off and forget about things. need more lists. or something)

09/09/22

listening to: xiu xiu - house plant music
well im officially a week post top surgery and it still feels unreal. everythings still pretty exhausting but itll get better with time... had to take time off class but excited to get back to it and im hoping to once again read some more. im still not reading as consistently as id like but its more than i had done last year and for a long while before then. i should put together a reading list of both articles and like, actual books.

10/08/22

listening to: buck tick - romance
despite a few grievances here and there i feel really content with my existence right now. i actually am getting top surgery in just over 3 weeks which still feels unreal to me. the thing ive been wanting for i think 7 years now is actually going to be real. everything feels okay and everything that doesnt feels like it Will be okay, eventually.

20/07/22

listening to: portishead - magic doors
currently thinking about digital art galleries and how under utilised the concept is... of course nothing could compare to looking at physical tangible objects but the accessibility of this form makes curating niche displays possible. of course some soft form of this exists under pinterest boards and the like but the large majority of Those only care about simple aesthetics and wont tell you the thematic links between pieces and of course not all galleries say much at all about the pieces it contains but im sure you understand more or less what im trying to say. specifically read this article curating a collection of work by women artists around the themes of silent hill 2 and i think it is very cool. that is all

16/07/22

listening to: kamran sadeghi - loss less
i cant really get over the fact that i have a boyfriend now...despite anything that happens im really happy i feel so comfortable with them. i wanna hold them in my arms again lol. theres still some kind of part of me that thinks its somehow cringe to speak about these things but im happy. in other news im hoping to start reading again soon and because class has started again after having a month off im really excited to be making things again :) thinking too far ahead scares me but im enjoying what im doing now at least. theres ways i could put all or more of my thoughts out there but i dont really need to LOL... o7

02/07/22

listening to: machine girl - batsu forever
have been playing yume nikki again and finally got the ending last night :( i never got terribly far when i was younger but its been special to me for quite a number of years and id really love to collect my full thoughts on it...its really a special game i cant believe its 18 years old

28/06/22

listening to: death grips - big dipper
havent Blogged in a second.... i spent a weekend interstate with my dear friend and we watched tommy wiseaus masterpiece the room in theatres as well as saw machine girl in concert :) i was talking to her and im tempted to go into a game design course id just need to look into it more i think id Really enjoy it. ps this blog now includes images so here are some pics i took at the machine girl show for your viewing pleasure

  

29/05/22

listening to: ugly rabbit - romance
going down a rabbit hole finding vocaloid shoegaze and thinking about how underutilised utau is in terms of vocal synths. there are so many more programs that are much more user friendly and advanced but theres something about the tone that utau gives to vocals thats so endearing and i wish there could be more original music utilising it. the split between people making original songs and using utau for covers is pretty dispropotionate solely from what i noticed in my years in the community (maybe its changed a little!). i want to make harsh noise and implement vocal synths in some way

03/05/22

listening to: xiu xiu - gray death
been thinking about getting back into making zines... i have one in progress and ideas for another one :) i really love adding tracing paper into them i think the effects you can create with translucency are very cool. my only issue is i loooove cutting out magazines but at home i like the magazines i own too much to cut up LOL. i hope im able to continue the ideas i have in my head and not put them off until i forget....... in other news how do you tell if someone has a crush on you

11/04/22

listening to: yoko shimomura - somnia memorias
good news! i finished parasite eve :) its a silly game with some issues but i enjoyed going through it. i might write a mini review for it tomorrow or something but we will see. actually writing it down here that i wanted to stop putting off playing it gave me the motivation to do it which im happy about. next im thinking i might start dino crisis (or clocktower if i feel like it). i might eventually check out parasite eve 2 too but im not sure when thatd be.

06/04/22

listening to: weatherday - my sputnik sweetheart
as much as class is exhausting i really do appreciate being able to sew on a regular basis; especially with industrial machines it feels so nice. i still need to get the motivation to go in and do something thats not apart of my class but something solely for me because even though i have to leave the house its easier to do it in the production room instead of my tiny bedroom. i also am going to a crochet workshop in a few weeks which im excited for and hopefully i'll finally wrap my head around it. my allocated video game energy has been mostly used for dead by daylight recently which is fun but i do want to stop putting off playing parasite eve eventually. although last week i did replay resident evil 2 remake and i still adore that game even if hardcore kicked my ass LOL. so much media i wish to consume so little time orz. at least ill have more free time soon (not that im increasingly running out of free time - i just have a hard time doing things) so hopefully i might be able to talk about a movie i get around to watching or a game i start. lol...

25/03/22

i still use spotify more to listen to music than anything else because its just Easy but i really would like to eventually move away from it. my vinyl collection has been growing and it makes me happy to listen to them as well as collect :) id much rather use streaming services solely as a way to discover and share music and then once liking it being able to own it in some way i guess it just feels right

17/02/22

i lied about not wanting to keep a personal blog here... i think i just didnt want the expectation of updating it constantly even though i was the only one holding myself to that. its so easy to get caught up in "professionalism" and maintaining a cohesive online presence when... i dont need this. im just some guy online having fun and i really dont need to curate myself on my silly little website i made for myself to reject the perfect, polished being that so much social media expects from oneself. i dont need to be some pristine version of myself but i certainly dont need to broadcast my entire being online either ^___^